June, 22 2010

Dear Redentor,

I am disappointed that the situation escalated to what it did-even though I did not commit the action , the action was committed towards me, and I escaped the situation as soon as possible, you still felt that I did you some injustice.

As far as you changing, I do not like that one bit. You should stay true to who you are-no guards because at the end of the day G_d will not give you more than you can bear and he is always in control. But if you change, his promise for you and his work that he wanted to use you for, changes. And cut the crap about not being a great guy- no one is perfect or anywhere near it! We all have flaws- I do too!
I also feel disrespected by the fact that you down played our relationship, I tell everyone you were one of the few loves that I have had, I remember more good than bad. How could you make our love turn out to be a monster?

I am hurt by the response and call me selfish, I wanted a more positive form of closure whatever that may have been. But I cannot have my cake and eat it too.

Maybe you were in my life for only a season. If this is honest and true, I accept.

May G_d continue to bless us both!
and I'll never stop loving you.

---

Sent this reply moments ago.. it's 1:46AM. Thought this was pretty neat when I signed in. "Hi Triad! It's been 2882 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga… Please support us by trying Xanga Premium - thanks!" It's a palindrome day for the blog!

Dear [Ex],

It's been two years, of course I am gonna be subjected to change. I am not the same person as I was yesterday and the day before that. We are all constantly changing, whether you want to believe it or not. We're in college now. We meet different kinds of people. We learn how to see the world in a broader perspective. How can you expect me to not change after all we've been through?

I have always been true to myself.. for the most part.  I am aware that G_d would never give me something I can't handle. My purpose here is still the same. I know what I want to do and will do everything I need to accomplish that. Of course no one is perfect. I just thought you were still in that mindset of "not exactly finding perfection, but relentlessly trying to seek/be as close to perfection as possible." I never said I changed for the worse. It's fair to say that I've been indulging in some decadent behaviors, but other than that, I've improved for the most part. The only reason why I've said those things was because I wanted you to move on, move beyond me. I truly believe you will find someone better than my older self.

And what other kind of response did you expect of me? I thought I was being cordial the whole time. I could've simply said "I'm done with you, get over it. I'm done with the romance between us, please let go." and left it at that. My observations of the world and everything around me is taken within retrospect. You can't honestly say everything was peachy between us. We were in an emotionally & mentally abusive relationship. I felt hurt a lot in the relationship. And you gave me too much expectations of how a boyfriend should act. To be constantly reprimanded by a significant other can be enervative to say the least. This is why we can't "be friends." At it's most fundamental level, friends don't mistreat friends. We both deserve much more than how we used to treat each other.

Finally, there's no excuse for what happened I don't care if he was the one who was the first to commit the fault, he shouldn't have been that close to you in the first place. But the past is the past. All is forgiven. I'm glad I moved away from that kind of love. I want to make it a point and say I'm not bitter with how it ended. I'm better since it ended. I've learned so much about myself. Perhaps it had to happen so we both can learn and grow from that experience. He certainly works in mysterious ways hmm? I wish you well on your journey through life [my Ex].  Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again.

Till then,
Red

---

Received about seven hours after my last email, around 9AM. I just woke up. It's almost 11.

Red,

Don't get me wrong, I expect change. Sometimes change is difficult but I embrace it either way. The vibe I was getting when you stated change was that you changed for a more aggressive and guarded self-which I did not want for you nor do I want that for anyone.

It seems that you want me to embrace the "new you" for lack of a better phrase but you still hold me to my old self which is unfair. Whose to say that I am incapable of a friendship with you-one where I treat you with the utmost respect. I was younger then, I am older now and I have grown a lot just as you have.

I do want to say that I am sorry for everything as cliche as that statement sounds, you know the hurts and the pain and I am sorry for them and I understand that you forgive me for them. Our relationship is a living testimony that hurt people hurt people. I was suffering from being suicidal-I didn't love myself so although I was madly in love with you, I couldn't show it to you all the time.

I am open to the idea of our paths crossing once again. Till then, I love you. Thank you for your time and cooperation with these emails and my trying to find closure. Enjoy life! (I mean that in the nicest way possible).

[Haaah. We'll see about that. I don't see anything wrong with being aggressive and having my guard up. And I don't think I gave her any indication to "embrace the new me", did I? I'm not gonna reply to her email. Not that I need to.]

My Ex emailed me today. I am tempted to post exactly what she said in her email, knowing she will never read this, but instead I'll describe the main points of it. Just to give you some history, officially it's been a little over a year since I broke it off with her. But essentially, we haven't been together since the start of my college years.. this fall will be in my second full year in Hunter. You can do the math.

This is what went down.. at least from my side of the story (and as much as I can remember). Before the start of college,  I was truly lost. I needed to rediscover myself. Who am I? What do I stand for? What are my expectations? What do I want? What do I need? And so I took the liberty of taking time to focus on me, myself, and I. This requires intense self-reflection and meditation. I am notorious for having the ability to fall off the face of the Earth at a moment's notice. I am selfish in the sense that I do not talk to anyone (with the exception for my immediate family. Even then my interaction with them is limited) during these self-examinations. This started about two weeks before the end of August. The important thing her is that I never told my Ex I began these self-reflection sessions. During that time I've ignored most, if not all, of her attempts of trying to reach me. I've accomplished a lot of things my own, from getting a job (the same one I currently have), to developing good study habits (lost it a bit), and even sticking to a workout plan (the status of this is quite obvious if you see me now).

It was when I started reaching out for her, she then had to break the bad news over the phone. This time I stopped talking to her.. and with good reason. I was hurt to say the least. I took her for granted, I thought she'd be faithful. In retrospect, it was foolish of me not to expect something like that to occur. You can never leave your girl alone. Another lesson learned. I took time away from her to process everything, and to reevaluate our relationship. At this point, the only way we contacted each other was through facebook messages. During this time, I was under the impression she was already seeing someone else.. especially since she started posting pictures of her little dates with some nigga.

We were at the crossroads. We were trying to figure out where we stood.. are we still in a relationship with each other? Where do we go from here? Several weeks had passed by. The fall semester was almost over. I haven't talked to her at all since then. A couple of my old classmates were back in town and they invited me to join them at some Hookah Lounge in Steinway. I figured "Hey, I do miss them. What's the harm in seeing them?" I was meeting up with a few of my friends at a train station when little did I know, my Ex was gonna join us. One of the friends I was meeting up with was a best friend of my Ex. He probably knew our situation and thought this would be a nice opportunity to mend things. Initially, our interaction was cold and somewhat awkward. Physically, we were near each other the whole time, our conversation was light. Near the end of the evening, I brought her back to her place. I tried to resist the urge to go inside her home.. but I gave in. We were passionate lovers.

Probably a week or two later, she invited me to a New Years Eve party she was hosting at her place. I lost a lot of respect for her at that party. She had the intention of getting drunk that night and was acting rather reckless. Kind of ironic coming from a guy who's an alcoholic. But I believe there's a difference between us especially in terms of maturity in regards to drinking. I've been drinking with my uncles since they started offering me wine around 11. It's not a big deal for me. She made it seem like it was the most important part of the gathering. And she is the type to abuse things like alcohol when given the chance. That night, my brother was back in town to celebrate the New Year. My whole family was awaiting my presence at my cousin's house back in Long Island. I didn't stay at the party. Nor did I want to after seeing her drunk. I had my really good friend drop me off to my place, told him to keep an eye on my Ex, and from there I sobered up enough to drive myself to Long Island. What? You didn't think I'd have a drink? It was only a beer.. or two? I can't remember. It was about a half an hour till 12AM when I got home but I made it just in time to ring in the New Year with my family. I was supposed to be the man of the night. I had to bring my brother from our cousin's house in L.I. back to my other cousin's house a block from my place in Queens. I decided to abstain from drinking until we got back to Queens. The roads were covered in a soft blanket of snow but we made it home safe.

I stopped talking to her for a few months since the New Year. Time was passing us so quickly. I couldn't let the relationship bleed out. I had to put an end to it's misery. I needed closure. That day came in March, a day before my birthday. To my surprise, the break-up was mutual. I ended it where I started it. The single life was the best gift I got for my birthday last year. I finally had the closure I sought. Unfortunately for my Ex, she wasn't quite over me yet.

She started off the email by saying Fuck it. I'm lazy.


Now I am the type to burn my bridges. If I should ever traverse the overpass into the past, I'd rather fall off the cliff and drown in the river than to rebuild the bridge. We've already messaged each other about where we stand before. I can't understand why this would be any different. And I believe she has been seeing someone for quite some time now. Tell me, what's a polite way of saying "You did me wrong. Although I forgive you, I am really uncomfortable with the idea of having any kind of relationship between us"? I'm not bitter about the outcome of our relationship. What we had is what we had. Perhaps it had to happen so I can learn from this experience. You ought to see how much I've grown since then. I know what to look for now. I am aware of my flaws. But as a result of this experience, I'm as cynical as it gets. It harder for me to trust another woman.

To my readers, how do you deal with the Ex-Factor? Do any of you still keep in contact with them? What is the nature of the relationship you have with them? Are you still friends? Acquaintances? Total strangers? Do you have any unsettled feelings between each other? What kind of impact did they have on you? And finally, if you were to receive an email/message/text/phone call, how would you respond?

-Red

PS: Might as well pour my life into this one post. I find no use in trying to hold back. Welcome to the Perfect Storm. Welcome to the epilogue.

---

An exchange of FB messages from September 28, 2008 - October 1, 2008. Reaching out.

Me:
I know we haven't spoke in awhile..
I know we haven't seen each other for awhile..
I've been going through some shit right now.
I'm reevaluating everything in my life right now
Trying to get my priorities straight
Trying to get my life straight
I love you
And yes we've kissed and made up
But there's that little piece inside of me
That still hasn't completely forgave you
Or myself
I'm hurt.
I'm hurting.
I'm hurting you.
That's not right.
Maybe your betrayal was my fault
But then again, there isn't any excuse for it.
I've read somewhere that forgiving someone after an episode of infidelity
is one of the toughest emotional tests a man can be subjected to.
They were right.
It's hard.
And I hope you realize that it isn't easy.
And that I'm still thinking about it.
That I'm still thinking of you.
It's something that will be hard to forget.
Will I ever forget?
Will I ever truly forgive?
Can things be the same as it was? Or how it used to be?
Will it ever be the same?
I'm tormented by the fact that it happened.
What's even more agonizing is the fact that you allowed it.
Or perhaps, that i allowed it...
I'm hurt.
I feel weak.
I feel cold.
I need healing.
We need healing.
Just don't diminish, ignore, or excuse what you did.
As I would do likewise
So here's my apology
I'm sorry
For leaving you alone when you need(ed) me the most
For taking too much time for myself to get my life straight.
I'm confused.
These are some confusing times.
But you seem to be doing just fine
Without me...
But that's another story.

Her:
i love you and always will to and i cant believe that this happened to our relationship i wanted u to be my baby daddy my hubby my bestfriend and i dont want you to play victim and not recognize that i hurt too what u did just dosent make sense to me or anyone else i have spoken to about this situation---- ur busy wit skool and cant seem to find that balance some ppl can do others that some cant alteast im trying to make myself believe that the balance isnt attainable for you anywhoz i didnt say i was doing fine without u i think bout u almost every day .....for now im spending time with ppl that have time for me not to be rude

Me:
I've recognized and stated that I was hurting you
and said that it wasn't right.
I think it's more than just playing victim
We are both victims of it
And what exactly did the others say?
What is it that doesn't make sense?
What doesn't make sense to me is that it happened...
I said that there shouldn't have been any excuse for infidelity.
And it's more than just finding the balance between school and everything else,
it's trying to find that balance within myself.
Sure, I guess it may have been selfish of me to take the time for myself and get my life straight,
but what I'm saying was that there shouldn't have been ANY excuses for what you did..
Have you been cheated on before?
By someone who you trusted?
Do you really know what it feels like?
Don't make excuses or defend something that was just wrong is what I'm trying to tell you.
And I know that you didn't say that you were doing fine without me but it SEEMS like it.
It SEEMS like you are already moving on.
It SEEMS like you found something.. or someone..
You area doing things without me and that's why it SEEMS (to me at least) that you are doing just fine.
I know you don't want to wait for me.
I know you don't want to put your life on hold for me.
I guess this is why there's that little piece inside of me that refused to forgive you.
It SEEMS like you are justifying your actions because of what I did
Which was simply taking out time for myself to get my life straight.
You don't see me going around with other girls during these times..
OR AT ALL!
I never let any girl get that close to me.
I let most (if not all) the girls know that I got something good
And that would be you.
So forgive me for being weak
For being unable to "Man-Up"
For being unable to be a better man.
I really think you have no idea what I'm going through.
And I'm desperately trying to find out who I am again.
And perhaps, who you are again..
Cause I just don't know anymore...

Her:
because i cheated i'm a different person? im still the same [girl, edited to protect the identity] my actions dont define me and people agree with me that it dosent make sense that if u needed to take time off that u wouldnt discuss it with me first thats your responsibility in an exclusive relationship you must tell the person of your where abouts amongst other things you wiould just dissappear and then i would come on face book and see that ur takin to other ppl messaging them leaving them pic comments etc. and not to mention that most of them were female ---i would wait for--- ur talkin bout trust how do u think i feel bout trusting you i dunno if should because i did cheat on u and then u made an effort to see me twice but after that i didnt hear from u again until u wrote to me here on facebook no one said that finding balance was easy or that it was wrong but the way in which u went about it was wrong i shoulda been given a heads up i was only given a heads up once what happened to da rest of the times ----i would think that after i cheated u would be more concerened bout things like these

what if i didnt have facebook, interent?...how would we communicate

Me:
well people also agree with me
sure they say it may have been wrong to go on these long breaks without telling you,
I had to get some things accomplished in my life
but still they say it was just wrong on what you did
and could you really wait for me?
why now? why couldn't you wait for me before all this happened?
and what/how do you think I'm supposed to react?
you think my trust in you would still be the same?
and me simply talking to other girls on FB (out of all things) is irrelevant
it's not like I'm going out to places with them aka going on dates..
or talking to them on the phone, or AIM etc. etc.
and they all (should) know that I have you
*sigh* and I'm apologizing to you for what I did/am doing
but again you seem to defend and make excuses...
and I'm starting to feel as if you aren't sorry AT ALL for what you did =*[
i guess you really don't know what it really feels like...
or at least imagine..
and as simple as you make it sound, it's harder
and more complex than you think.
and let me ask you this too,
what if I didn't even talk to you at all?
recognize that yes even though it may be online
at least it's trying
so don't diminish that fact.
and understand that maybe I can't really talk to you in person (for now)

and it wasn't like I got the heads up that you were gunna cheat on me so.. think about it.
what's worst finding out later?
that your s/o cheated on you? (s/o=significant other)
or that your s/o is disappeared and then came back suddenly to find out that he just needed time alone
(keyword meaning not with anyone else esp. other girls) to think about himself and get his life straight?
oh and I'm not too sure on the grievance you have about trusting me..
you need to ask the question to yourself if you can remain loyal..
and then maybe from there, we could start building trust...

Her:
i can remain loyal i feel like i love you and we can have till death do us part in the future so we can keep the title and take a break or if u have any suggestions basically do u think u can be there if i need something i can call you and ull answer

Me:
define: "break"
does it mean that we could 'see' other people?
is it simply just talking time away from each other?
or is at another excuse to cheat without it technically being cheating because we're on a "break"?
as for needing something from me...
what is it that you need from me (anymore)?
what else is there that I can offer to you?
is there anything else I can offer?
is there anything else I could provide you with
(that someone isn't providing you with already/currently...)?
I guess eventually there will be a time again where you can
call me when you need something and I'll answer.
but honestly I don't think that time is now...
and don't ask me when that time will come,
only time will tell love...

Her:
u can and always will offer me you-who u are is enough not just for me but for god and anyone and everyone else so what u have to offer as an individual is unique so dont underestimate what u can offer me i will never meet another red and u will never meet another [me, again edited] and the only reason why we are in this mess is because of communication i dealt with u not being able to articulate ur feelings whether it be thru actions or words i dealt wit u not calling or picking up ur phone first to check on me or just talk not saying that u never did just saying that i always made the first move when it came to communicating so if there is something u can offer me now that i think bout it if it wasnt already obvious is better communication and sacrifice-telling ur parents i am in a relationship, making time out during the week even if its once a week to see me and spend time with me, calling me to check on me and just to talk, even coming to church wit me and sitting in a service wit me one day, saving up $10 so we can see a movie or go out for ice cream ----we havent been on a date in so long


break means either that we keep the title and spend time away from each other but still be able to chill with other ppl and talk to other ppl on the phone but we still have to keep in contact and see each other as much as possible

whats ur definition? what do u think?

p.s. its funny how u didnt even call me to ttalk bout this we are just talkiln on face book HA!

Me:
Can I really offer something to you that no one else can?
Then why do I have this funny feeling that I just can't do that?
It seems like someone's swept you off your feet
And yeah I realized that we haven't been on a date in while..
That is def. something I've been trying to work (literally) on.
But I know you (or at least thought I did)
I know you want that instant gratification
You want to feel good now!
And right now, I'm not doing that part too well..
Of tending to your needs,
So you looked elsewhere for it...
And I did mention that I don't really want to talk to you
over the phone at least for now (not to be rude )...
I'm using facebook because I like how it makes threads..
And it's just something I think is better, but that's being biased.
Anyways again it's better than not talking to you at all so I don't know what you are
trying to get at or how you're trying to prove me wrong.. and break to me?
do you really want to ask that question?
Okay, to me I guess it means that we just spend time apart
to reassess ourselves and our relationship
but that doesn't make it an excuse to go around with other people..
because then there isn't any point in the break then.
I've heard from someone that going in a break is a weak excuse for breaking up esp.
if all you are doing is seeing other people during that time
But I've also heard that breaks can be good esp. for healing
Which is why I'm considering the latter consequences of going into a break.
I may need that time away to heal...
Because I'm not too sure if I have the heart to forgive right now..
Please understand..

Her:
i understand that u are hurt and again ima say that im hurt to and i dont understand why u once understood that and now u dont -even if u think u cant do something dosent mean u cant thats with everything i didnt think i could last in liturgical for a day and ive beeen in it for almost three years or more now -i do like to feel good now...theres nothing wrong with that although patience is a virtue instant gratification to me is a must when i feel the emotions i feel that make me depressed and u kno what else....and what am i tryna get at? is what if i dindt have internet? this convo wouldnt have ever gotten done ----btw what did u mean by literally on? whats there to work on just bein curiious not rude at all.


[I never gave a response after that. Might as well have talked to a wall. Or to my chihuahua. Haaah. And by the way, what I meant when I said "literally work on" is that I was actually working, making enough money to take her out.]

---

Another exchange of FB messages from April 6, 2009 - April 8, 2009. About three weeks after the break-up.

Her: